“Why didn’t I learn to treat everything like it was the last time? My greatest regret is how much I believed in the future.” – J. S. Foer
Life has a way of taking sharp turns when you’re least expecting it.
At the end of February my life took one of those turns. And while I’m not quite ready to share the details of the life-altering event that rocked my family (mainly out of respect for the privacy of my family), I will say that it was a health diagnosis that caused us all to change the way we look at life. In those early days, where the prognosis was unclear, I experienced a fear like I have never felt before. And a helplessness that left me feeling paralyzed.
I’m happy to say that after the first round of treatment, my loved one has seen some positive results. They have shown and continue to show a bravery that inspires me. However, my family now lives with the heightened awareness that the future is not promised to any of us.
As if life wasn’t already hard enough to handle, it decided to hit me with two more blows: I lost the new job I started at the beginning of February and then I was hit with my own medical scare.
The new job had been my dream job on paper, but failed to stack up in real life. Rather than settling into my place on the team, I found myself questioning my role. It didn’t help that my role was constantly being redefined for me. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I increasingly had the feeling that this wasn’t the place for me. Instead of getting excited to work every day, I dreaded the moment I would start my work day. I knew something had to change soon and was relieved when it did, even if it meant that I would be unemployed.
Not long after, I had my own medical scare. This time it wasn’t life-threatening, but it was heart breaking. During this roller coaster of life that I like to call “May 2014,” I also couldn’t run. This, quite frankly, sucked. I needed to run and it seemed like a cruel joke that I couldn’t at least have that. I craved the endorphins released from a nice sweaty run and I yearned for the laughter I often shared with my friends during our early morning runs.
The days were dark and you would often find me saying, “Is 2014 over yet?” The good thing is, I never lost hope that things would turn around. It was just my impatience for it to happen that was hard for me to control. Patience is not my favorite virtue. I like things to move fast and for me having to sit back and “wait” is like placing a cupcake in front of me and telling I have to wait until after dinner to enjoy it. Screw that. I want it now.
Then June 2014 came and I found myself slowly healing. But I can’t take the credit. I credit my husband for holding me up when I couldn’t stand on my own anymore. And for letting me cry a lot. And for taking care of our little family. I credit my family for banding together in a way I never thought possible. I credit a close group of friends for listening and reminding me that good things were just around the corner. I credit school for creating the perfect distraction.
And then I found a job, one that I was genuinely excited about. I found myself able to breathe again. I found myself able to run again. I found myself smiling more, crying less. I found myself again.
So … I’m back, but I’m not the same. I know tomorrow isn’t promised and I’m going to try to honor that lesson daily, but without letting it overcome me. Life is short. Let’s have some fun with it!
I Sweat Pretty 